Daniel's Thoughts

Practical Tips To Help Your Depressed Friend

danielml — Sun, 5 Sep 2010 21:00:13

Having been severely depressed several times in my life and having seen friends struggle with depression, I've noticed that the people who love and care about these depressed people generally have no idea how to react to their depression. I'm going to offer some practical suggestions to help your friend through depression. Here are some practical tips that have helped when I'm depressed and have helped some friends as they wrestled through their deep valleys. I hope this helps you understand and reach out to your friend in positive and healing ways.

1.) Be persistent. Your depressed friend is probably fairly stubborn - that's why they're so persistent in focusing on their negative thoughts. Your depressed friend doesn't realize that they are setting up an elaborate negative feedback loop for themselves. They often reject invites while at the same time convincing themselves that no one wants to hang out with them. They will exhibit poor attendance or behavior at work while blaming "life" for being "unfair" and getting them in trouble at work. Invite your friend out. Invite your friend to do something they normally enjoy. Invite them in a way that says "I want to hang out with you" and not "I feel sorry for you."

2.) Be consistent. Do not fall into your depressed friend's rhythm. If you did a specific activity once a week with your friend before, continue to do so. Do NOT alter this schedule. Make it clear to your depressed friend that you expect to see them every (week/month/day) for the activity. Be it work, church, bowling, tennis. Whatever. Hold them to your friendship schedule. They need to know that you value their input into your life - not because they're depressed, but because they're your friend.

3.) Be encouraging. There's a world of difference to a depressed person between "C'mon buddy, life isn't that bad" and "Do you know one of my favorite things about you, it's _____" and don't don't DON'T link the good thing to an emotion. Not smile, not positive attitude ... no no and no. It has to be something they actively DO and have some level of control over. If your friend is generally generous or is very studios or is creative or diligent or kind or in some way talented - encourage that. Invite your friend to do that thing with or for you. If they're a good cook, invite them over for a dinner party as the chef. If they're a good storyteller, invite them over for a story-telling party. The key/trick to this is imbuing a sense in them that you, personally, value them for something they value in themselves. BTW, it's very important that you learn what your friend values in themselves. If you don't know this already, what kind of friend are you?

4.) Do not pity them. Your depressed friend has enough pity for themselves. Trust me. In fact, they are probably drowning in pity. All pity should be eradicated from your depressed friend. Pity is your friend's enemy. Do not! Do Not! DO NOT PITY THEM! And more so, be careful that the things you do and say don't come off as pity. Your depressed friend is already struggling with trusting people's motives. Both other people's and their own. If they get the idea in their head that you're only being nice to them because you feel sorry for them, the gig is up. All your effort will be for nothing. Do not clean up after them. Do not take care of general life stuff for them. Offer to help them DO IT THEMSELVES. Hand them the mop or broom. Offer to wash dishes while they dry. But don't do it all for them ... unless they pay you cash for it.

5.) Do not link your kindness to their depression. Remember that elaborate feedback loop? If you link your kindness to their negative moods, they may get the idea that the only way to receive your love and attention is by being depressed. Trust me, you do not want to reinforce this behavior. Always verbally link your kindness and good will to some positive aspect of your relationship. Call it payback for that time when they helped you. Say things like, "I invited you to this event because I know how much you love this and I wanted to share something good with you." If they're a hockey player, take them to a hockey game and say you'd love to hear they're expert opinion on the play by play. DO NOT say you're inviting them to the hockey game because they look depressed and you hope this will cheer them up. That is the wrong thing to say.

6.) Do not be their parent. Your depressed friend already knows what they are doing wrong and what they ought to be doing instead. That's a big part of the reason they're depressed. It is o.k. to express disappointment when your friend messes up ... but only if you follow it up with a "because I know how amazing you can be." But, do not give them advice, especially unsolicited.

7.) Do expect them to lash out. Your friend is wounded and isn't in their right mind. They don't have control of their emotions and are most likely confused and terrified. They will lash out at you, sometimes in very hurtful ways. Don't let this hurt your feelings, make you think less of your friend, or make you give up. They really don't know what they're doing for the most part.

8.) Do not expect your friend to reach out to you for help. I'm sorry to say it, but they're just not capable of this right now. Open ended invitations will not help. Don't say "You can call or stop by whenever you feel like it." They will never feel like it, ever. Give them specific invitations for specific days and times. This is all they can handle or accept right now.

9.) Do help your friend get more help. Depression can be serious and fatal. Connect your friend with their community. Connect your friend to counseling or a medical professional. It is o.k. to do this one for them. Drive them to their appointments. Make sure they pick up their prescriptions (if they have prescriptions). Encourage them to sleep adequately, eat healthily and exercise often. Be their activity assistant, their counseling chauffer and their med maitre de.

I hope this helps someone be more prepared to help their depressed friend. Let me know if you have other tips you've found work for your depressed loved ones - or for you when you've been depressed.

I love you all,
Daniel

Distinct and Specific Visions

danielml — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 22:44:18

God has given me a pretty distinct and specific vision for the upcoming years of my life. I'm writing this out here because in times of sorrow or confusion, I can be dissuaded or sidetracked from the vision God has given me. I'm not sure it's really "visionary" but it's specific enough and positive enough to make me want to live up to it.

I'm going to work very hard at the job God has given me. I will do my very best and work with all my might, my insight and my intellect to be the best I can be at my company. God is leading me in interesting directions there but it is not an end in itself. To be clear, my identity is in Christ, not in my career. But Christ is using my career to reach people and alter people's lives in positive ways. I believe the most effective way to reach the most people or have the largest positive impact on others both internally at my company and externally to our customers is in a position of leadership. I am becoming a leader.

I'm called to stewardship. This takes the form of paying all my debts within the next few years and continuing to support my son (however far away he may be), cover my living expenses and give consistently to my church. I am continuing to live simply and humbly. God wants me to be free from the bondage of debt and the burden of unneccessary possessions.

I'm called to ministry. I will continue to serve in my local church as a youth leader and active volunteer in whatever my community needs. I will give more then I think I have in terms of time and energy. I am far less important than others. God through me can do amazing things in the lives of people with whom I interact. I am excited to see God pick up the pieces of my frailty and use them in amazing ways!

After my debt is paid, I will return to school. I will finish my undergrad in literature at GVSU. This will be in addition to working full time and volunteering as I can. I will pay for school through savings. Once I have finished the undergrad I will attend Grand Rapids Theological Seminary for an M. Div (I think).

I'm called to write about my God and minister to others.

During the time of this plan (around 7 to 10 years) I will purchase a house and God will also send me a new wife. (No, not by mail order ) I have to be extra patient with this one. I have no idea who she'll be or when she'll show up. I just hope I'm ready to meet her.

People who know me know I'm not a really "big planner" - in fact planning for my future in a structured, detailed and sensible way is my weakest of weak points. This is part of the reason this vision is so dear to me. God handed me directions. GOOD directions. He continues to keep me in check and in step, too. I haven't written all the details here but this vision makes me happy and gives me lots of good reasons to keep striving! When I'm in the valley, when I'm in the drudgery, when I'm down in the trenches, it is easy for me to forget the vision God gave me on the mountain top.

Well, at this point, this is a lot of talk. I've set goals before and I've failed at goals before. But, I have confidence that since God has given me the vision, He will lead me to right actions, in right directions and at their right times.

If you're interested in helping me with any of these goals, I'm more than open to your help, thoughts or insights. I know I can't make this journey on my own.
I love you all. Thank you for reading my little writings.
Daniel

God of Grace - videosong

danielml — Sun, 27 Dec 2009 17:07:10

God of Grace from Daniel ML on Vimeo.

This is my setting and arrangement of God of Grace & God of Glory. The words were written by Harry Emerson Fosdick in 1930. If you're familiar with the classic hymn, you might not like this version. I feel this setting brings a good deal of insight to the words. I think these lyrics were written in a time of great struggle and speak to the old idea of "pleading God's promises". This has been a full and difficult year for me, so I can relate.

I don't have most of my instruments or recording equipment with me in MI, so I'm using what I have. My voice and my Taylor 12-string. I did this all through my Olympus DS-2 stereo voice recorder. It was a pain, but sounds surprisingly good! (For those of you who don't know, that's a little digital stereo recorder mainly used for dictation).

Lyrics:
God of grace and God of glory,
On thy people pour thy pow'r,
Crown thine ancient church's story,
Bring her bud to glorious flow'r.
Grant us wisdom,
Grant us courage,
For the facing of this hour.

Lo! the hosts of evil round us
Scorn thy Christ, assail his ways!
Fears and doubts too long have bound us,
Free our hearts to work and praise.
Grant us wisdom,
Grant us courage,
For the living of these days.

Set our feet on lofty places;
Gird our lives that they may be
Armored with all Christ-like graces
In the fight to set men free.
Grant us wisdom,
Grant us courage,
That we fail not man nor thee!

Christmas List

danielml — Sat, 12 Dec 2009 11:41:12

It is the season for contemplating wants and needs.  Gifts and receipts and various et ceteras.

Most of the things on my wish list are simple and practical this year.  Here are some things I (want/want to do) but can't afford right now:
Curtains for my apartment
to replace my lightbulbs with cfls
a small bed for Aster
my studded tires for winter riding (they're in SD with my parents)
heck, all my things stored in SD (especially my instruments and recording equipment)
A good pair of gloves ( http://www.pearlizumi.com/product.php?mode=view&pc_id=50&product_id=1455044&outlet= )
More good socks ( http://www.foxsox.com/Catalog/category.aspx?code=SNOW )
A job when my contract ends in January
A lawyer for January's court case
A week's worth of new underpants
A new dress belt (My waist is 3 inches thinner than the smallest hole on my old one)
A creative collaborator

I think I'll stop there.  This is making me sad.  It is true that desire causes suffering.
I have a lot of good things, and my life is full of many blessings.

May you also find contentment in your lives and have eyes to see the gifts that abound around you.

Happy Holidays,
Daniel

Makes me want to....

danielml — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 09:34:57

CUSS and SPIT and SHOUT and CLAW HER EYES OUT.

lulz.

Some good things happening for me lately.  I got a job doing some data entry and filing.  It's short-term but it's work.  A true blessing because I ran out of money and desperately needed something to live and eat.
I have a flat that I don't have to share and will be paying for starting December.  This is a super blessing because I wasn't sure where I'd be staying and was seriously thinking about what life on the street would be like.

Which leads us to what makes me want to cuss.  I moved 1100 miles to be close to my son and an active father in his life.  I did that according to what I felt was God's will and best for my little boy.  So, I get here and Michelle decides to hastily elope in Las Vegas (classy) with her army boyfriend who has been stationed in Germany the entire time they've been "dating" on-line.  Oooookay.  So, now she's trying to get a judge to approve her moving to GERMANY with Aster.  Not only that but she's looking for any and every excuse not to let me see Aster according to our agreed upon and court ordered parenting time.  Bleargh!

It wouldn't be so frustrating if I didn't feel like I could go on Jerry Springer!  This is a ridiculous situation.

And, y'know, I have flaws.  I'm not a perfect guy.  I don't do everything right.  I'm pretty open about that.  This woman, though.  I swear she's an agent of the devil.  She uses any little thing about my situation to try and justify her position.  Even the good things I do!  If I take Aster to the children's museum, she says I should've used the money on groceries instead.  If I let Aster know I still love him even when he does things wrong and gets in trouble, I'm accused of coddling him.  If I ask her to pack a small duffel of his clothes, a stuffed toy and a sleeping bag for his weekend stay with me 'cause I'm waiting for my first paycheck, she says I'm not fit to see Aster because I don't have that stuff yet!

*pant pant pant*
O.k., that's out of my system.
So, let's just say I'm struggling to love my enemies and do good to those who hate me right now.

I think it makes me mad the most, because if our roles were reversed ... I mean, if I were sitting on a $90,000 trust fund that pays all my living expenses, was married to someone in a good job who was also furnishing my wants and needs, and my ex-spouse was unable to make ends meet and suffered under the weight of $680/mo. in child support to me ... y'know, I think I would pack a small bag of clothes I already own for our son so she could have an easy time seeing him.  I think that's the VERY LEAST I would do.

And you know why?  It's because there is a warm, thump-bumping piece of my body most people call a heart.

-end rant-