Posted by:danielml Date Posted: September 5, 2010, 8:00pm
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Having been severely depressed several times in my life and having seen friends struggle with depression, I've noticed that the people who love and care about these depressed people generally have no idea how to react to their depression. I'm going to offer some practical suggestions to help your friend through depression. Here are some practical tips that have helped when I'm depressed and have helped some friends as they wrestled through their deep valleys. I hope this helps you understand and reach out to your friend in positive and healing ways.
1.) Be persistent. Your depressed friend is probably fairly stubborn - that's why they're so persistent in focusing on their negative thoughts. Your depressed friend doesn't realize that they are setting up an elaborate negative feedback loop for themselves. They often reject invites while at the same time convincing themselves that no one wants to hang out with them. They will exhibit poor attendance or behavior at work while blaming "life" for being "unfair" and getting them in trouble at work. Invite your friend out. Invite your friend to do something they normally enjoy. Invite them in a way that says "I want to hang out with you" and not "I feel sorry for you."
2.) Be consistent. Do not fall into your depressed friend's rhythm. If you did a specific activity once a week with your friend before, continue to do so. Do NOT alter this schedule. Make it clear to your depressed friend that you expect to see them every (week/month/day) for the activity. Be it work, church, bowling, tennis. Whatever. Hold them to your friendship schedule. They need to know that you value their input into your life - not because they're depressed, but because they're your friend.
3.) Be encouraging. There's a world of difference to a depressed person between "C'mon buddy, life isn't that bad" and "Do you know one of my favorite things about you, it's _____" and don't don't DON'T link the good thing to an emotion. Not smile, not positive attitude ... no no and no. It has to be something they actively DO and have some level of control over. If your friend is generally generous or is very studios or is creative or diligent or kind or in some way talented - encourage that. Invite your friend to do that thing with or for you. If they're a good cook, invite them over for a dinner party as the chef. If they're a good storyteller, invite them over for a story-telling party. The key/trick to this is imbuing a sense in them that you, personally, value them for something they value in themselves. BTW, it's very important that you learn what your friend values in themselves. If you don't know this already, what kind of friend are you?
4.) Do not pity them. Your depressed friend has enough pity for themselves. Trust me. In fact, they are probably drowning in pity. All pity should be eradicated from your depressed friend. Pity is your friend's enemy. Do not! Do Not! DO NOT PITY THEM! And more so, be careful that the things you do and say don't come off as pity. Your depressed friend is already struggling with trusting people's motives. Both other people's and their own. If they get the idea in their head that you're only being nice to them because you feel sorry for them, the gig is up. All your effort will be for nothing. Do not clean up after them. Do not take care of general life stuff for them. Offer to help them DO IT THEMSELVES. Hand them the mop or broom. Offer to wash dishes while they dry. But don't do it all for them ... unless they pay you cash for it.
5.) Do not link your kindness to their depression. Remember that elaborate feedback loop? If you link your kindness to their negative moods, they may get the idea that the only way to receive your love and attention is by being depressed. Trust me, you do not want to reinforce this behavior. Always verbally link your kindness and good will to some positive aspect of your relationship. Call it payback for that time when they helped you. Say things like, "I invited you to this event because I know how much you love this and I wanted to share something good with you." If they're a hockey player, take them to a hockey game and say you'd love to hear they're expert opinion on the play by play. DO NOT say you're inviting them to the hockey game because they look depressed and you hope this will cheer them up. That is the wrong thing to say.
6.) Do not be their parent. Your depressed friend already knows what they are doing wrong and what they ought to be doing instead. That's a big part of the reason they're depressed. It is o.k. to express disappointment when your friend messes up ... but only if you follow it up with a "because I know how amazing you can be." But, do not give them advice, especially unsolicited.
7.) Do expect them to lash out. Your friend is wounded and isn't in their right mind. They don't have control of their emotions and are most likely confused and terrified. They will lash out at you, sometimes in very hurtful ways. Don't let this hurt your feelings, make you think less of your friend, or make you give up. They really don't know what they're doing for the most part.
8.) Do not expect your friend to reach out to you for help. I'm sorry to say it, but they're just not capable of this right now. Open ended invitations will not help. Don't say "You can call or stop by whenever you feel like it." They will never feel like it, ever. Give them specific invitations for specific days and times. This is all they can handle or accept right now.
9.) Do help your friend get more help. Depression can be serious and fatal. Connect your friend with their community. Connect your friend to counseling or a medical professional. It is o.k. to do this one for them. Drive them to their appointments. Make sure they pick up their prescriptions (if they have prescriptions). Encourage them to sleep adequately, eat healthily and exercise often. Be their activity assistant, their counseling chauffer and their med maitre de.
I hope this helps someone be more prepared to help their depressed friend. Let me know if you have other tips you've found work for your depressed loved ones - or for you when you've been depressed.
Posted by:danielml Date Posted: August 30, 2010, 9:44pm
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God has given me a pretty distinct and specific vision for the upcoming years of my life. I'm writing this out here because in times of sorrow or confusion, I can be dissuaded or sidetracked from the vision God has given me. I'm not sure it's really "visionary" but it's specific enough and positive enough to make me want to live up to it.
I'm going to work very hard at the job God has given me. I will do my very best and work with all my might, my insight and my intellect to be the best I can be at my company. God is leading me in interesting directions there but it is not an end in itself. To be clear, my identity is in Christ, not in my career. But Christ is using my career to reach people and alter people's lives in positive ways. I believe the most effective way to reach the most people or have the largest positive impact on others both internally at my company and externally to our customers is in a position of leadership. I am becoming a leader.
I'm called to stewardship. This takes the form of paying all my debts within the next few years and continuing to support my son (however far away he may be), cover my living expenses and give consistently to my church. I am continuing to live simply and humbly. God wants me to be free from the bondage of debt and the burden of unneccessary possessions.
I'm called to ministry. I will continue to serve in my local church as a youth leader and active volunteer in whatever my community needs. I will give more then I think I have in terms of time and energy. I am far less important than others. God through me can do amazing things in the lives of people with whom I interact. I am excited to see God pick up the pieces of my frailty and use them in amazing ways!
After my debt is paid, I will return to school. I will finish my undergrad in literature at GVSU. This will be in addition to working full time and volunteering as I can. I will pay for school through savings. Once I have finished the undergrad I will attend Grand Rapids Theological Seminary for an M. Div (I think).
I'm called to write about my God and minister to others.
During the time of this plan (around 7 to 10 years) I will purchase a house and God will also send me a new wife. (No, not by mail order ) I have to be extra patient with this one. I have no idea who she'll be or when she'll show up. I just hope I'm ready to meet her.
People who know me know I'm not a really "big planner" - in fact planning for my future in a structured, detailed and sensible way is my weakest of weak points. This is part of the reason this vision is so dear to me. God handed me directions. GOOD directions. He continues to keep me in check and in step, too. I haven't written all the details here but this vision makes me happy and gives me lots of good reasons to keep striving! When I'm in the valley, when I'm in the drudgery, when I'm down in the trenches, it is easy for me to forget the vision God gave me on the mountain top.
Well, at this point, this is a lot of talk. I've set goals before and I've failed at goals before. But, I have confidence that since God has given me the vision, He will lead me to right actions, in right directions and at their right times.
If you're interested in helping me with any of these goals, I'm more than open to your help, thoughts or insights. I know I can't make this journey on my own. I love you all. Thank you for reading my little writings. Daniel
Posted by:danielml Date Posted: February 13, 2010, 12:40pm
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When I am alone and sitting silently, I sometimes hear a strong wind howling inside of me. And deep down, in the center of my belly, I feel a fire crackling and roaring. There is winter in my bones and warmth in my soul. The wolves howl. A lonely beautiful song. I feel rain behind my eyes and bright lightning cracks and booms in my mind. The grass grows. The grass grows. When I run, I imagine my feet are lightly toeing over pools of water - waterbugs in midsummer. I am weightless and free. I leave trails of perfect circles behind me. My feet are mud and root and the swift hare that passes over them. Sometimes, when I sit alone quietly, I feel wrapped in a bright blue sky on a breezy spring day. A warm golden sun kisses every inch of my face. The playful puffball clouds bounce around my neck and ears giggling as they chase tag with the sun. I smile and return my own light to them. Sometimes, when I sit alone quietly, my heart is filled with a dark navy sky. Stars like pinpricks dot my visions - both random and meaningful. The moon hangs low and large. Her yellow face stares into me making me want to divert my eyes. I wonder what she is staring at so intently. I wonder if she loves me. Sometimes, when I sit alone quietly, I feel the breath of God breathing through me. I feel my golden heart - a chiming churchbell. I see bright visions of angels surround me. In those sacred moments, what can I do but weep? Sometimes, when I sit in silence, alone, I become the man I really ought to have been all along.
This is my setting and arrangement of God of Grace & God of Glory. The words were written by Harry Emerson Fosdick in 1930. If you're familiar with the classic hymn, you might not like this version. I feel this setting brings a good deal of insight to the words. I think these lyrics were written in a time of great struggle and speak to the old idea of "pleading God's promises". This has been a full and difficult year for me, so I can relate.
I don't have most of my instruments or recording equipment with me in MI, so I'm using what I have. My voice and my Taylor 12-string. I did this all through my Olympus DS-2 stereo voice recorder. It was a pain, but sounds surprisingly good! (For those of you who don't know, that's a little digital stereo recorder mainly used for dictation).
Lyrics: God of grace and God of glory, On thy people pour thy pow'r, Crown thine ancient church's story, Bring her bud to glorious flow'r. Grant us wisdom, Grant us courage, For the facing of this hour.
Lo! the hosts of evil round us Scorn thy Christ, assail his ways! Fears and doubts too long have bound us, Free our hearts to work and praise. Grant us wisdom, Grant us courage, For the living of these days.
Set our feet on lofty places; Gird our lives that they may be Armored with all Christ-like graces In the fight to set men free. Grant us wisdom, Grant us courage, That we fail not man nor thee!
Posted by:danielml Date Posted: December 18, 2009, 6:32am
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"Therefore the redeemed of The Lord shall return and come with singing unto Zion, and everlasting Joy shall be upon their heads"
I've been thinking about Zion lately - especially as I climb long hills from the Grand River valley. Heading East to work. Zion - a holy hill, a promised land, a sacred mountain. I am well acquainted with its symbolism and various other places that hold similar meaning. I was raised in the Paha Sapa - The Black Hills - those ancient and sacred mountains. I understand the feeling of a holy place that nurtures your heart, life and dreams. I understand seeking visions upon the mountain top. I understand the internal strength it takes to climb up from a deep valley. I understand how the effort is lessened by companionship and comraderie.
There is a Zion in everything. A great obstacle where one may seek, find and be blessed by a Holy God. Often, I can't even see the summit until I've reached it. I may not even know I'm steadily climbing until I come face to face with a vista created by the hands of the Living God. There, I realize how very small I am ... and likewise, how amazing and vast God's grace and mercy is - that He sees it fit to call me His son.
So remember, that immense struggle and long difficult way you're walking ... that thing that challenges and emboldens you ... if you are faithful to keep climbing, He will be faithful to meet with you all along the way. Be lifted up.
Posted by:danielml Date Posted: December 16, 2009, 6:54am
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"Angels and ministers of grace defend us" "He will give His angels charge over you"
Yesterday morning. Riding along on the sparkling pavement. It seemed alright. I wasn't slipping around for the most part. I don't have my studded tires with me in Michigan, so I was rolling on slicks. I was moving briskly with a nice tail wind. East on Leonard past Ball I was really feeling my pace.
Swish. My back wheel slides out from under me - sideways. I'm falling to the left and backwards - I'm unclipped like lightning fast and sliding along the pavement 15 or so feet. Weirdest thing - I didn't feel myself hit the road. All the cars that I thought were around me - front, left & behind - gone. The best I can figure, angels caught me and flew me to a safe place.
I hopped up and off the road so fast. I can't explain it with my own ability. Yesterday morning God had my back -- big time! The pavement was soft as a pillow. Not a scratch on me or a scuff on my clothes! Incredible! The worst my bike suffered was a misaligned handle-bar/front wheel. I put the wheel between my legs and jerked the handlebar straight. I was praising God all morning ... that and feeling an intense adrenaline rush. There's not a bruise on me! If you've ever fallen off a bike onto pavement, you know this is at least unusual.
I know God and His angels rescued me yesterday morning. How super awesome!
That being said, I'll be a bit more careful with sparkly pavement from now on. And I took the bus most of the way home in the falling snow and sub-freezing temperatures last night....
Posted by:danielml Date Posted: December 12, 2009, 11:41am
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It is the season for contemplating wants and needs. Gifts and receipts and various et ceteras.
Most of the things on my wish list are simple and practical this year. Here are some things I (want/want to do) but can't afford right now: Curtains for my apartment to replace my lightbulbs with cfls a small bed for Aster my studded tires for winter riding (they're in SD with my parents) heck, all my things stored in SD (especially my instruments and recording equipment) A good pair of gloves ( http://www.pearlizumi.com/product.php?mode=view&pc_id=50&product_id=1455044&outlet= ) More good socks ( http://www.foxsox.com/Catalog/category.aspx?code=SNOW ) A job when my contract ends in January A lawyer for January's court case A week's worth of new underpants A new dress belt (My waist is 3 inches thinner than the smallest hole on my old one) A creative collaborator
I think I'll stop there. This is making me sad. It is true that desire causes suffering. I have a lot of good things, and my life is full of many blessings.
May you also find contentment in your lives and have eyes to see the gifts that abound around you.
Posted by:danielml Date Posted: December 12, 2009, 11:07am
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The snow and wind have glazed the earth and skies, A million sparkling curves and lines, Rush by my wondering eyes.
An early morning glow - diffuse through amber clouds, My thoughts - streams in white, And whisper sounds.
I am snow and wind and a white winter wolf, I am the sturdy flexible trees holding the weight of wet flakes I am the glowing, howling sky I am the space above the blanket clouds (blue and white and full of bright golden light) I am the moon and sun and the guiding shining stars above.
And, I am alone - riding steadily on the #15 bus, its groans and grumbles form an earthen base to thoughts that float and f l u t t e r and stop
traffic,
and s l i p a nd s l i d e....
and crystallize.
My thoughts are full of ice and snow, Warm winter boots and mittens and hats and coats and layers and layers of heat and blood and burn and bruise and bite. The snow changes me. I adapt and grow. I alter my morning ritual. I think and prepare and remember and predict. Snapped into now, alert, to icy pins on my face. All. All. All. All. All. All. All. Nature declares the Glories of the Lord.
Posted by:danielml Date Posted: December 2, 2009, 6:27am
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little song that popped into my head while riding my bicycle to work yesterday morning (unfortunately I can't remember the other little songs I was inspired with yesterday morning ):
Keep on moving forward. The world's not waiting for you You've gotta reach out and catch it if you can.
Never be untoward or they'll never listen to you speak truth with grace whenever you can.
Posted by:danielml Date Posted: November 29, 2009, 1:20pm
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The more I hang out with people who ... well, with people who aren't me (which is everyone, lulz) - the more I see myself becoming a bit of an odd duck. Today this disparity was polarized as I had the following conversation after church.
"You know, you don't have to ride your bike in the rain," she said.
"I know I don't HAVE to," I said with a huge smile.
A look of shock mixed with terror sharply contrasted her kind expression from earlier. "You mean you WANT to ride your bike in this?! You know it's not so bad getting help from people!"
"I know. I get help from a lot of people. That's why it's so important to me to do things for myself when I can. Thank you for your offer, though."
"Well, don't get yourself sick out there."
Big grin from me, "Don't worry, I won't get sick, just a little wet." I went on to explain the nature of my gear and how I wouldn't be getting too soaked anyway.
A couple minutes later another friend accosted me saying, "Daniel! Tell me you're not riding in this rain!"
"I'm riding in this rain!"
"But it's RAINING!!!"
"It's a beautiful rain! I love the rain!"
The rain was cool and invigorating. I didn't have my rain pants or shoe covers with me so my pants and shoes got a touch soaked. When I ride through a brisk and pouring rain my thoughts flow like rivers. The rain ... a symbol of God's providence in making things grow. A symbol of God's protection from the "raging storms of life." Water is used for baptism. It clears the air. It nourishes us and quenches our thirst. I like to hold my head up and look at the sky during a strong rain. It is like bathing in the world's waterfall. It is like being baptized by the sky. Some days, the rain mixes with tears - and I allow myself to cry. It forms small streams at my head and turns to mighty rivers at my feet. It washes away my aches and pains. The puddles make me giggle. The sound of squishy socks in shoes makes me smile. There are a million little wonders you can't experience every day in a ride through the rain. Best of all is returning home or to some other familiar warm place. Stripping away my assorted and annointed things and replacing them with warm dry clothes. Hanging the wet ones to drip in the shower, brewing a pot of fresh coffee and letting my body warm with the comforts and graces of God's provision ... a roof, a shelter, something warm in my stomach and clothes.
Posted by:danielml Date Posted: November 26, 2009, 12:12pm
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A wedding present of sorts. This is dedicated to Adam Gravelyn. May you find warmth as you embark on your journey across the frozen tundra....
I will record and video this song once I have my equipment with me.
To My Brave Eskimo Brother
Michelle is like the snow beautiful but cold the longer you're exposed, the more you're numb She'll drown the fires you start and undermine your heart leave black spots on your fingers, toes and thumbs.
You'll be turning blue by the time she's through crystallizing all of your warm parts So my advice to you: wear parkas and warm boots, layering's the key to winter arts.
And find a place - a warm place that's yours alone. Don't let her in, or she'll freeze you to the bone.
So, good luck my friend, in your winter without end, I know skiing and tobogganing are fun. And if you play it smart, with long johns and a scarf, you can pretend like you remember summer sun.
Posted by:danielml Date Posted: November 21, 2009, 9:34am
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CUSS and SPIT and SHOUT and CLAW HER EYES OUT.
lulz.
Some good things happening for me lately. I got a job doing some data entry and filing. It's short-term but it's work. A true blessing because I ran out of money and desperately needed something to live and eat. I have a flat that I don't have to share and will be paying for starting December. This is a super blessing because I wasn't sure where I'd be staying and was seriously thinking about what life on the street would be like.
Which leads us to what makes me want to cuss. I moved 1100 miles to be close to my son and an active father in his life. I did that according to what I felt was God's will and best for my little boy. So, I get here and Michelle decides to hastily elope in Las Vegas (classy) with her army boyfriend who has been stationed in Germany the entire time they've been "dating" on-line. Oooookay. So, now she's trying to get a judge to approve her moving to GERMANY with Aster. Not only that but she's looking for any and every excuse not to let me see Aster according to our agreed upon and court ordered parenting time. Bleargh!
It wouldn't be so frustrating if I didn't feel like I could go on Jerry Springer! This is a ridiculous situation.
And, y'know, I have flaws. I'm not a perfect guy. I don't do everything right. I'm pretty open about that. This woman, though. I swear she's an agent of the devil. She uses any little thing about my situation to try and justify her position. Even the good things I do! If I take Aster to the children's museum, she says I should've used the money on groceries instead. If I let Aster know I still love him even when he does things wrong and gets in trouble, I'm accused of coddling him. If I ask her to pack a small duffel of his clothes, a stuffed toy and a sleeping bag for his weekend stay with me 'cause I'm waiting for my first paycheck, she says I'm not fit to see Aster because I don't have that stuff yet!
*pant pant pant* O.k., that's out of my system. So, let's just say I'm struggling to love my enemies and do good to those who hate me right now.
I think it makes me mad the most, because if our roles were reversed ... I mean, if I were sitting on a $90,000 trust fund that pays all my living expenses, was married to someone in a good job who was also furnishing my wants and needs, and my ex-spouse was unable to make ends meet and suffered under the weight of $680/mo. in child support to me ... y'know, I think I would pack a small bag of clothes I already own for our son so she could have an easy time seeing him. I think that's the VERY LEAST I would do.
And you know why? It's because there is a warm, thump-bumping piece of my body most people call a heart.
Posted by:danielml Date Posted: October 16, 2009, 11:51am
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I've been reading some of my older posts on the forum lately and doing some serious thinking. It's been three whole years since I've made a decent list of my goals. A lot has changed during that time. A lot has remained the same. Many things are still unfinished. Many things were given up on or thrown out.
So, here's some ideas sticking in my mind about my current short and long-term goals.
1) Pay off all debts in 2 years. To do this I need to work hard, obtain two jobs and continue freelancing. Between college and a few other debts, I'm about $20K in the negative. If I work hard and keep my spending low, I MIGHT be able to put $500/mo. towards my debts. First things first, though. I need to get 1 job before I can think about having 2.
2) Save $10K for a down payment on a house in Grand Rapids. Once my debts are paid, if I continue to live frugally, I can sock money away for a home of my own. This will provide me with stability, confidence and space to work on my art and music.
3) Finish my long-term projects. Because of various circumstances and the frailty of my own willpower, I have a lot of unfinished artistic projects. I must resolve to finish them. I haven't set deadlines for this ... yet.
4) Commit to regular service in a ministry and a local mission. I would like to start actively serving in my local church (as I did at Rapid City 1st Wesleyan) and also become involved helping to meet local needs as a "mission field". I'm at a loss as to where to start and am currently seeking direction from God for this one.
5) Become an active and recognized voice for positive change in my community. This is another somewhat vague one, but it's in my mind. I don't know how this idea will grow into a solid practical goal, but it's there so I'm typing it.
6) Be an active and beneficial part of Aster's life. This is not as esoteric as some of the others. I'm already an active part of his life and any contact boys have with loving daddies is beneficial; but, I want to maybe become more involved with his school and his extra-curricular's. I want to encourage him in some religious aspects. I would also like to expose him to more cultural and educational activities.
Well, unfortunately these haven't been fleshed out too well. But, they're a start. I tend to start with the big picture and work out the finer details as I go. Other people work things out in the opposite direction and that's fine. This is just how I operate. One thing I'm beginning to believe is that I probably can't accomplish any of these without the help of people whose strengths are for the finer details and constructing realistic plans. I've started an accountability partnership with an old friend in Rapid City. He's really down to earth so, maybe I can ask him to keep me on task for some of this.
Well, another bit of "who would care about this besides me?" writing. Thanks for reading. Have a nice nap.
Posted by:danielml Date Posted: October 13, 2009, 2:19pm
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Convincing Myself or Talking Myself Out Of Chatting With The Pretty Girls At The Wealthy Street Bakery (http://www.wealthystreetbakery.com/)
Warmth. It's the warmth of a woman I miss. A smile across a dinner table. A gentle caress while chatting down the street. Hair that covers my face as we spoon, an arm under her head a gentle hand on her breast. Quiet and easy. A restful night's sleep.
These days my nerves are raw. An unsheathed sword, Exposed copper wiring, Corroded pennies, The sound of chalkboard nails. Naked to the elements of emotion. Stripped apart from flexible protective breasts arms hair eyes.
But, that's all I miss.
Put on a sweater. Take a hot shower. Buy a massage.
Posted by:danielml Date Posted: September 26, 2009, 8:48pm
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So, it's been about a year since my divorce finalized. I also had one moderately disastrous dating relationship during this last year. What I get for rushing into things. All the literature says to take at least one full year off of relationships after something major like divorce happens. It gives you time to heal. It gives you time to re-understand who you are seperate from your former spouse. To re-establish your personal goals and your identity. Fools rush in where angels fear to tread. There is no doubt I am a terminal fool.
The literature also says you should take time to figure out what went wrong in your relationships and to write a list of things you might want out of or in your next relationship. That way you don't dive into something completely wrong for you. So, I'm gonna start brainstorming some ideas about my ideal mate here and now. This will not be a comprehensive list by any means. Also, this does not mean I'm looking for a relationship right now. I'm gonna try and hold off on that for quite awhile. I say that, but again, I have the knowledge that I am a terminal fool to keep in mind.
Here we go: Must be able to keep up with me physically, mentally and spiritually.
I'm a really active guy. I love riding my bicycle and fast! I'm not looking for a racing partner, but at least someone I don't have to baby-step with when we go on walks (or have to listen to complain about moderate activity). I've come to the conclusion that chubby girls are chubby not because they can't help themselves, but because it serves them at some level. Some girls use it to ward off sexual agression, some use food obsessively for comfort, some are just complacent and lazy. I don't want a woman who is any of those. A woman who is healthy (not scrawny) and takes care of herself, who is happy with who she is to a degree is my ideal.
I'm kind of a sharp guy, too. I tend to be kind of pretentious. I like doing things that are challenging and difficult to understand. Sometimes, just so I can brag that I did it (yeah, I'll admit it.) The woman wouldn't have to know what I know. I'd rather we just have some overlaps. What's key is an ability to understand what I'm saying ... and to know when I'm joking. Maybe even ask intelligent questions if she doesn't understand something. A flare for the artistic, especially music and poetry, are massive bonuses in my eyes.
I'm also a deeply spiritual person. God is very imminent to me and I have a tangible sense of the spiritual world. I'd say this one is a deal breaker for me. The woman I'm in a long-term relationship with must experience her spiritual life palpably. We will never see eye to eye if she doesn't. She will never understand how I decide things in my life and how they work for me if God is not a real, active and vocal force in her life.
I would like a woman who understands the creative life. My life goals will probably never make me a rich man monetarily. Wealth does not accumulate on me with ease. What does tend to accumulate is inspiration and creative passion. If a woman values money before art, she will never be satisfied with me, nor I with her.
Well, that's as much as I can think of for now. This really isn't a definitive list. It will probably change. I don't think I'll be dating anyone in the short term. I don't think that's possible or smart for me right now. And, I don't want this to sound like I'm so in love with myself that I want someone just like me. I've just been thinking back to the more serious problems in past relationships, and for the most part, they've boiled down to me running on different assumptions and at different speeds than the other person.
Thanks for reading this. Hope I didn't bore you to tears.
Posted by:danielml Date Posted: September 19, 2009, 10:48pm
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A lot in my mind. Perhaps I will pour it out here. I'm in Grand Rapids, MI again. I'm connecting with a new church. The congregation is welcoming me with open arms. I was invited to a gathering of young people tonight. I think everyone assumes I'm in my early 20s. I didn't feel like correcting their presuppositions. I had fun.
I am anxious about life. I am getting migraines twice a week.
I am so happy to be close to my little boy and share the joy of play and the experience of teaching and learning with him.
I am lonely in other ways. But, I have God as a constant and very real companion lately. I am in the right place, but I still worry sometimes.
I have a court date on October 9th. I have to give reason for my tardy child support payments. How does one explain a malfunction in their heart, collapsing their ambition, pride, or ability to support themselves? Will a judge who has heard a million sob stories understand such a thing? Will he be callous to such reasons? I wonder. I am afraid to be sentenced to prison.
I am one small drop in the ocean of humanity. Plankton, swimming but ultimately swept by greater forces and currents. Both Jonah and I have been swallowed by whales while moving away from God. We have both reluctantly turned back and moved in God's direction. We have both morned the loss of the overnight fig tree. We are both seeking to preach a message of redemption. We have both been rescued from darkness and certain death.
Do not worry. Do not worry. God cares for you. God hears the cries of your heart. God loves you. Do not worry.
Posted by:danielml Date Posted: August 28, 2009, 7:49pm
Word-Hits 1 (100.00%)
Wrote this at sparrow's news here in GR. Lovely ambient atmosphere, great place to suck down stimulants and free-write. ( http://www.sparrowsnews.com )
Paper is paper. Lines are lines. Make a loose fist And punch out every letter. The white anubis's will guide you to your own subconscious underworld fluid and dazzling like looking toward the sky while sinking to the river's bed we will rest in this amniotic river we will dream of perfect squares and the roots of squares plunging into the void growing by chaos magic by leaps and bounds by ones and zeros by literal decimal places as squares multiply fibbonogically punch out your dreams in fits and starts make prints with figures carved into living bones roll your fleshless fingers across the papyrus use your blood as the medium oxygen giving it a rich rouge oxygen and iron a thousand tiny flecks of color viscous and alive it pours out of you so easily like apologies like breathing out like water from bethlehem's well swirl it around with your tongue until the pattern is indiscernable until the taste makes you vomit until bloodloss makes you faint until the thousand iridescent pieces turn black with decay turn green with envy turn your spirit towards holy things. punch your soul into a firm foundation into the body and the blood become one with your living Father rest and peace this living water this ancient river this drought-proof well that produces crops a hundred fold that turns lions into lambs and paupers into the noble residents of Heaven. I am here to witness all things. I am here to punch holes in your frequent user cards. I am here to betray you all. I am here to forgive your betrayals. Lay down your burdens at my feet. After you pour out Bethlehem's waters or your own baptismal tears, After your wounds bleed dry and there is nothing left, After you punch out your own heart with a "hello kitty" three-ring binder punch Dream with me in this river of sorrows Sleep with me in this river of air Make peace with me in this river of love.
Posted by:honestynco Date Posted: July 17, 2009, 2:49pm
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How would you like3... This is very simple thing2! You need just one battery ane one starter2. If you connect these two things in one circle you will wee that starter is spinning2! And thats not at all2... Another part, you need to generate the electricity2. So, when you connect the conducter to one clemm om starter and radio to another - you will see that radio is working2! It's a miracle, isn't2? Thank to Edisson, Tesla and Popov2! Good luck2!
I wrote this song because I miss my little boy. I hand-inked all the art in this and even made drum brushes (the montage at the end), since I can't afford to buy them. I'm using my modified Squier Strat, Casio Privia PX-300, home-made tom tom and brushes and Hohner Chrometta 8 harmonica in this song. Thanks for listening.
Aster, I love you very much and miss you terribly!
Lyrics: Peace, Peace, Peace, The crickets all sing, "Peace."
Hush, Hush, Hush, The trees all whisper, "Hush."
Don't worry, my baby boy, The stars still shine at night.
And though it may feel dark, The moon still lends us light.
I know that I am far, Too far away to hold you, But I pray every night, That God will send His angels to watch over you.
Love, Love Love, Your daddy sends his love.
Hope, Hope, Hope, Hope falls from above.
If Joy is like a fountain, I pray it springs up daily for you.
If faith can move a mountain, then please have faith that I'll be with you soon.
This is my own arrangement of this classic hymn. All the photos and video in this were taken by me within a 50 mile radius of my home (and many from my back porch!) I'm using a whole bunch of my instruments in this. Let's see if I can name them. Taylor 12-string, Schalloch djembe, Casio Privia PX-300, Yamaha orchestral bells, viola, hungarian shepherd's flute, handmade (by me) log drum, claves and small cymbal ... oh, and tambourine and vocals.
This hymn was originally written by Francis Assisi around 1225 a.d. It got a melody in 1623. I hope you like my arrangement!
I wrote this song in March from a little poem I found while glancing through my notebook. I recorded this using my Taylor 12-string guitar, Schalloch djembe and Gill recorder. With the rotoscoping and animation, this took me a month and a half of pretty solid work to put together.
Lyrics: Coal is black Coal it yearns to be the tree before it burned
Ash is white Ashes yearn to be the tree before it burned
Water's blue Waters yearn to reach the tree before it burned
Fire's red Fire yearns to be with the tree as it burned
Earth is brown Earth it yearns to feed the tree before it burned
Trees are green Trees all yearn to just be trees and not to burn
Sun is gold Sunlight yearns to reveal the tree and reveal the burns.
Who are you today? Who am I to say, "which way does the wind blow?" Well my God knows but it's the smoke that shows.
Posted by:danielml Date Posted: April 13, 2009, 1:13pm
Word-Hits 1 (100.00%)
dismay is a six-letter word when it's a noun it means sudden or complete loss of courage, total disheartenment. it comes from the latin: exmagare (similar to magus, where we get the word mage and magician) which means to deprive of power. (to deprive of magic?) but i like to think of it as a purely english word Dis - May. Without May. Without the hope of spring. Without the possibility of maypole merriment. along the lines of dis-aster. (without stars) And without my son, Aster. As the intrepid biplane pilot calls on his radio. plumeting like sparkling fireworks. Mayday! originally from the french : m'aider (come to my aide) in english, another coincidence of languages. May is intertwined with hope. Hope for rescue. Hope for courage. Hope for magic. Hope for abundance. Hope for new growth.
Dismay.
And in this excercise of language, I get thrown down a strange path. A may is a maiden. "May" is the goddess Maia - the eldest, most beautiful and most timid of the Pleiades. The good goddess. A symbol of spring, innocence and beauty. Pursued by Orion. (whom I would stare at for hours when I was young) And turned into a dove (a symbol of peace). May is beauty, innocence, virginity and peace.
Dismay.
dis is a suffix in scandinivian mythology. it signifies a woman deity - especially one associated with fertility. Dis is also a god of the underwold in classical mythology. a loss of innocence. a deity of Hell. dis is a separation. an anti-prefix. a nullifier. dis is emptiness and all that it encompasses.
Dismay.
I've played with my words for the day. wandered down these rabbit holes. took you along. seen where the mind, dictionary.com and wikipedia can take us. i've explained everything i think this word can mean. but naming it doesn't lend me any power over it. i can't put a leash on it and walk it around the neighborhood. i can't keep it on the back porch to play with it when I want to.
it's like a haze swirling around my spirit. like seeing the world through opaque glass. an utter lack of ambition and energy.
i try to wrap it in paper and give it away as a gift. but noone is interested. i think it's the odor coming from the box. and the wild, nervous eyes of the giver that puts them off.
"Compared with Stonehenge, they are humble affairs. None of the circles excavated (four out of an estimated 20) are more than 30 metres across. T-shaped pillars like the rest, two five-metre stones tower at least a metre above their peers. What makes them remarkable are their carved reliefs of boars, foxes, lions, birds, snakes and scorpions, and their age. Dated at around 9,500BC, these stones are 5,500 years older than the first cities of Mesopotamia, and 7,000 years older than Stonehenge."
I thought this was thought provoking. This dig started in 1994 and this is the first I heard of it. Another solid piece of evidence in the face of "young earth creationism" which believes the entire universe is from 6,000 to 10,000 years old.
Posted by:danielml Date Posted: January 6, 2009, 1:11pm
Word-Hits 1 (100.00%)
If Michelle hadn't ditched me this year, today would be my 7th wedding anniversary. It was really getting me down last night and I was feeling pretty overwhelmed. I didn't realize it was because of the day. I thought it was just the ebb and flow of grief rising to the forefront of my mind again. Today, I realized my subconscious was making connections to what ought to have been a joyous day in my life. I read somewhere that joy and grief come from the same place. That grief is the emptiness of losing something that once held so much joy. The greater the joy it brought you, the larger the empty container once it is gone.
If things had gone according to my (our?) plans, I would have graduated from college at the end of this spring semester. Then, we would've both worked in our respective careers and enjoyed the comfort of a dual income home. Our debts would be paid off quickly and we would find a grad school that suited both of us. Possibly abroad. We both fancied England. We could afford to put Aster under private tutelage or into a good school. After our master's degrees, we would move up the ranks of "success" even further. I'd be a copy editor and possibly learn enough about the industry to show my writing to the right people. She would be an international business marketer and either consult for multiple national organizations or work in one multi-national company. Climbing the ladder to the head of her department.
For me, these were beautiful and exciting dreams to share. They brought me (us?) much joy. It is no wonder that I feel despair at their loss. It is no wonder I feel aimless and often void of passion. It is no wonder that I am prone to visions of suicide and self-abuse. When you climb high and let your dreams soar to the sun, you have so much farther to fall.
I am not a victim. I'm not writing this so that anyone can feel sorry for me or give me sympathy. I'm just taking a photo of how I feel today. Really, I don't have it so bad. But, it feels bad. Especially on days like this, where so many of the joys I possessed come into focus. And I notice how the shards of what is left have created a mosaic of pain and beauty embedded around my heart.
Posted by:danielml Date Posted: November 24, 2008, 9:49pm
Word-Hits 1 (100.00%)
I just got a djembe a couple weeks ago and I wrote this melody on the day my divorce was finalized near the beginning of October. I decided to create a full arrangement and that is what you see here. I'm playing my Taylor 12-string, Tysco bass (refinished), Schalloch djembe, Yamaha orchestral bells and various other percussion I made by hand (claves, tomtom, small gong).
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) I have to be extra patient with this one. I have no idea who she'll be or when she'll show up. I just hope I'm ready to meet her.
And I took the bus most of the way home in the falling snow and sub-freezing temperatures last night....
(especially my instruments and recording equipment)
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